As if 2020 weren’t already one of the most dizzying and world shattering years of all time – a few weeks ago I discovered I’m pregnant. Exactly 8 weeks, actually. Two months.
This would be our second child and very much a surprise one.
If you have followed me for some time you know my first child, my son, was also a surprise that ushered in the most horrific post partum depression and anxiety I could’ve imagined. His birth really was a defining moment in my life in many ways. It cemented a few things:
- that my career would eventually need to change as I no longer could give so much to other people (as a massage therapist) and come home wiped like I was accustomed to, to then take care of a child. I also didn’t want to be away from him ALL the time. This really was the PUSH I needed to start my online fitness business and to begin generating income and passive income from home.
- That I was most likely NEVER having another child at the risk of ever ending up in a similar mental state again.
My husband and I were on the same page about that second point. We lived under the shadow of intense fear that I would get pregnant again and we’d be thrown into another version of that hellish reality.
And, as I think we all intuitively know, children come with a very specific mission. They choose us. They choose the time. They choose a reality they NEED to become fulfilled in some significant way. And it just so happened that this small soul decided 2020 was the year and we were the family.
This pregnancy has been a surprisingly joyful albeit SICK one. Exhausted, nauseated, emotional, STARVING are just some of the most prevalent symptoms which have totally deflated me and sedated me for a while. However, it is notable how much calmer and more centered I feel about this. I don’t feel the same anxiety I did when I found out I was pregnant with Santiago. Or when I found out I was pregnant with a child beginning of 2019 which I would eventually lose.
This time I just felt calm. Accepting. Giddy, almost.
That being said my business journey and my fitness journey have had to take some STRONG pivots and here is what has happened and what I’m learning:
- The kind of exhaustion & nausea that I’ve heard about but never experienced have totally taken me out of the empowered, active and creative game and laid my ass OUT resting, eating, and taking care of ONLY myself. I no longer had the bandwidth to run my business full steam like I was used to, or to workout with the same intensity I loved, or even to eat as cleanly as I was used to (hello, aversions!). Everything became a game of acclimating. I had to learn how to adjust my intensity knobs WAY down and to make that okay. It wasn’t optional – my body demanded it.
- I have had to come face to face with the remaining bits of my BID (body image dysmorphia) as my body has RAPIDLY changed, way faster than when I was expecting Santi. In a few weeks I had a belly and it was TOTALLY noticeable that I was pregnant at only a few weeks. As someone with a history of BID and also who has been on a weight loss journey for so long – this wigged me out. It’s taking a lot of DAILY meditation, thank GOD for the group I chose to start this month, to support me through this toxic mindset.
- I’ve had cravings for meat which I have allowed myself to have after an entire year of not eating it and not missing it. One thing I know FOR SURE – the body is wise. When we become pregnant there is a specific reason for why we crave what we want. When it comes to something like this, I don’t get in the way of my body’s wisdom. I do as directed. So far it’s been very satisfying and felt very nourishing.
- It’s awakened an enormous amount of gratitude in me for having the current career I have that allows me to be home, rest when I need, care for my children and NOT have to be outside my home. I am thanking my past self 1000x a day for this. By far one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.
Overall, this experience has been earth shattering and very centering all at the same time. In may ways it is redefining my purpose and how I want to continue to serve and show up in the world.
For now, I have stopped my Friday Fireside show that I was hosting every Friday on Youtube for the sake of my mental and physical health – although I love digging into politics and conspiracy and linking things that others might overlook, the current political climate has become increasingly more toxic and I have little to no fight in me right now to give energy to that. I am however continuing to post on my patreon so all the videos and articles you’d normally find in the show, you will have as a patron.
Wanted to give an update and share some of the illuminating moments of this pregnancy and how it’s ushering in what feels like a whole new era of my life.
Stay tuned for a few group opportunities with me:
- 30 Day Break Away – a brand new weight training and running program just launched by my company to help ANYONE with a love of running get started OR add conditioning to their running.
- A Bump & Beyond Group – this is all about helping expecting moms and post partum moms get into shape in a SAFE environment and to learn how to make awesome nutritional choices that are simple and life changing. We will be using a custom calendar that I am creating for clients depending on what trimester they are starting in! Check out a sample of the pre and post natal barre program.
If you’d like to join us for either of these, go ahead and apply HERE. So looking forward to helping you end 2020 feeling your VERY best.