In one seemingly innocuous phone call, a flood gate was busted open and all the feelings I have been avoiding for months came rising to meet me.
This morning when I called my brother, I knew almost immediately the words that were about to come out of his mouth. It was our father. He had been committed to a ward in light of his alcohol addiction withdrawals and refusal to take his anti-depressants.
It was actually something I had been praying for, for MONTHS. I knew that until and unless radical action was taken – dad would stay sick, and worse, die a horrifyingly lonely and painful death. And although I KNOW this is GOOD and the beginning of true healing for him, the little girl inside of me was shattered instantly.
I cried big ugly tears for hours. Hours. At work. In the spa. Waiting on clients. Locked in my room.
And on the tails of that grief came the knowing that in a few days I would be face to face with the inevitable death of my stepfather whom I’ve loved and has been wonderful to my mother and my family for the past 13 years of my life.
And then I thought about my sweet baby nephew…just born a week ago and my heart swelled with joy and also grief that his grandfathers are so sadly transitioning.
It was an onslaught of emotion and it blindsided me completely.
And in that moment, I had a massive revelation. My consciousness suddenly lifted up above my experience of material reality and I saw the cycles of birth and death, sickness and health, all of it from this birds eye view. In an instant and without words, I understood the perfect nature of all that is.
It was the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to enlightenment. And no, I’m not saying I am a totally enlightened being now, but it was the very beginning of enlightenment. It was very definitely an opening in my spirit that wasn’t there before and it gave me the gift of this understanding that grief is the gateway to evolution. It is the guide to joy. It is the way through.
In other words…The Obstacle Is the Way.
I understood almost instantaneously the perfect order of all things and my heart calmed almost to an eerie silence of no-thing-ness. It felt like being suspended in the middle of a storm – eerily silent as the winds of discord rattled my external reality. Inside I felt perfectly secure, all knowing, aware and also unaware, loving and also distant. It was the purest peace I’ve ever felt.
I know only that I am different than I was mere hours before. Deeply different.
Watch the video below as I discuss the awareness I had a around grief and its gift.