It’s been several weeks since I’ve had enough clarity of mind, and gumption to wake up before dawn, to be able to write a new entry. The past month has been a whirlwind of career advancements, exciting promotions for my husband, and our FIRST HOME search.
Needless to say, when we received our first ever approval letter for a home we were over the moon. I about had a heart attack of happiness when I received that email from our lender. It was the first time we had ever been approved and it felt like the Universe was finally opening the doors of progress and saying, “Here you go guys! Well done on adulting!”
A month later, about 10 houses shown and three contracts down, still no house and now I’m beginning to regret beginning this journey at all. The only ever time adulting felt this distressing and confusing was when I gave birth to our son Santiago and then had to take him home and figure out how to parent. It was again, a moment that began was tremendous joy and pride and quickly derailed into acute despair and confusion.
Luckily, I’ve learned a thing or two since Santiago. His birth was precisely the remedy my spirit needed to understand what this whole “going with the flow” concept was REALLY about. And while I’m already exhausted by this whole search, and I have the distinct feeling that I might puke if I go see another house or even consider another contract, this last home we let go has taught me perhaps the MOST valuable lesson and it’s something I feel deserves mention.
From the first home we put a contract on to this third one we recently let go, each home had gotten progressively closer to my dream home. It was almost like a fairy tale to watch them get better and better until finally I landed “THE ONE” or so I thought. From an objective perspective it was PERFECT – granite countertops, open floor plan, BRAND FREAKING NEW BUILD, double vanities, huge walk in closet, separate tub, shower, and poop room – ya know, toilets with doors – garage, corner lot, cul de sac, on a CREEK – I mean, you name it, this thing HAD it and it was beautiful.
Initially, I was STOKED. It was like someone had taken my vision board home and presented it to me for the perfect price and in a neat little package.
And then, I did the walk through and I was not prepared for what happened. I walked into that beautiful dream home and felt….HEAVY. In my gut as I walked around it felt, not good. I tried desperately to feel joy, connection, and that feeling of “we are home”, but it WASN’T happening, at all. I rationalized – it’s raining, it looks grim outside, maybe I’m tired, it’s early, I haven’t had breakfast or coffee, etc. I did NOT want to acknowledge what I knew was true, it was NOT our home.
It felt very much like that extremely attractive man/woman that on paper is PERFECT for you – great career, beautiful, charming, great with your parents, great with your friends – and when it comes down to chemistry it’s a DEAD ZONE.
I thought about how many times I’ve forced things because I wanted them to feel good – including my first marriage – but they just didn’t. I thought about all the times I ignored that gut feeling and ended up regretting it painfully. When my husband phoned me the next day telling me he had a gut feeling to do some livability reports on the area and was alarmed with what he learned, I knew we were done.
My husband doesn’t just call me about “gut feelings”. I’m the feely one. He is not.
So, we let it go. I did not sleep the entire night before I called my realtor and asked her to terminate contract. It felt like a destiny moment as I lived into the understanding that not all that glitters is gold. My letting go of that house was a huge testament to how far I’ve come with my faith. I believe that was a pivotal moment of testing for me – will I heed what I have been teaching my clients? Will I walk away from something that doesn’t feel good like I tell everyone else to? Will I have the courage to let go of something that seems great in order to allow what’s TRULY mine?
I passed, but it was VERY challenging. I almost didn’t want to.
The truth remains though, that if something feels off – it is. If something doesn’t quite feel right, it isn’t. It’s our job to trust that, to feel into a given situation and use our emotions as feedback. Our emotions are a guidance system, as Abraham Hicks always says, they are here to help us direct and re-direct. Emotions are extremely sophisticated and if we are willing to honor them, our lives will be so much easier and full of grace.
I don’t know how this house story will end, but I know for sure we will find the right house. I will walk into it and FEEL welcome. I will walk into it and FEEL home. I will know that even if on paper the house looks not at all like what I desired, inside there will be resonance and I trust that.
Sincerely,
Shakti